Fear

I am not afraid.  OK.  I lie.  I am afraid.  But I am not afraid to be afraid.  Huh?

Fear can be debilitating.  It can keep a person from moving forward and doing something.  It’s like when a spider crawls across the floor, and I jump up on the furniture and scream, and then I can’t come down because now I do not know where the spider is.  So now I am stuck on the coffee table paralyzed in fear that this little eight-legged creature is going to hunt me.  This isone fear.

Well, obviously this is something I have had to overcome. I am no longer on the coffee table screaming that someone needs to find the damn spider that is lurking in some hidden corner of my house waiting to eat me.

Now, I realize, this is a mild fear, and there are different levels of fear or different levels of scary things.   And one scary thing is different for each of us.   I think of myself as somewhat fearless.  Just forget about the spider incident.  At some point, I had to accept the fear, acknowledge it and be afraid and get down off the table while being afraid.  And I eventually learned the spider was also afraid and wanted nothing to do with me whatsoever.

I have had many scary spider encounters of various intensity over my lifetime.  And with each encounter, I have discovered that I am still alive.  I survived every one of those frightening experiences.  And I came out stronger.  I have even reached a new level with my arachnophobia.  I was recently climbing, which is scary, And I was leading the climb, which is scarier.  I got to the top, which can be scary.  I reached for a handhold on a rock and instead placed my hand into the GIANT EFFING WEB of a GIANT STRIPED SPIDER! I screamed. There was no coffee table.  Just me on a rock face holding on with one hand desperately wanting the put my other hand on the rock where the spider crawled.  I went ahead and let go of the spider fear to deal with the I-don’t-want-to-fall fear. I did what I needed to do.  Then I took a closer look at my foe.  It was hiding under a rock.  I could see a couple of white and black striped legs peeking out.  I looked at the web.  I had destroyed its home.  I felt bad for the little guy.  I felt empathy for this little creature that was just hanging out enjoying the day and a great view then along comes this crazy beast (me).

That day I chose to shut the heck up with the spiders.  I also came to terms with the fact that I am afraid of certain things.  But that I can’t let the fear stop me from completing those certain things.  I had to finish the climb and put up an anchor.  Otherwise, there would be a consequence.  I think back on all the things in my life I have been afraid of.  Taking the bus alone- did it.  Moving away from home- done.   Walking into a classroom for the first time to teach- did it, did it, did it. Moved myself and my kids across the country alone- done. Done well. A first date- did. Blind dates- done.  Getting married- yep. Having kids- oh yeah. Letting a spider reside in my home- yeah…I am doing that.  And much more…

The thing is, I can’t let fear stop me.  I have to say I am afraid and then be afraid and then do it.

This is something to apply to my classroom and my job.  I am walking in fear this year.  But also fearlessness.  Because I know, that I can be fearless and afraid at the same time. With that comes a sense of power.    You spiders don’t scare me!  OK…yeah they do, but it’s ok….I am not afraid of fear and that’s what matters.